29. Christmas Spirit

Last 15 minutes of 25/12 and it just dawned on me that the year is ending in approximately a week.

The year has passed in the blink of an eye, its scary. Everyone's getting older, my parents, sister, my lovely yorkie baby Cookie is going to turn 6 soon, my boyfriend, my grandfather and the thought of time just passing by me scares the crap out of me.

I'm only 23. Only. And still, an existential crisis seems to be upon me already.

Work is a bore and I wonder how time passes so fast when work itself has been a total dread. I thought that moving to NUS would be better for me and my psych endeavours but all it has reaffirmed is what I knew in Nov 2016 when I was under NTU.... I don't really want to have anything to do with psychology and or research in general. It's tiring, unrewarding and I frankly don't have the passion for it. I've also been an awful employee I am not sure if I can last another year in NUS. The gr8 thing is the financial stability and that's about it. This is a dilemma for another time.

Have a Merry Christmas one and all.
Sorry this is an abrupt end to the sickeningly short post.
3 minutes to Boxing Day!

28. DBSK

I've not felt so nostalgic in such a long time.

Suddenly I found myself listening to jay chou, mayday and more significantly, dbsk. If you knew 2006 me onwards you'd know i was a huge kpop fan and specifically, in love with this band called dbsk which consisted of 5 members. it was a time when kpop was uncool, gay whathaveyou. they were one of the only things that kept me sane and believe it or not, happy. i was a fan for YEARS, collected their merch and even bought a ticket to see them live - i eventually did not b/c my dad was paranoid about going to bangkok during the protests and i to this day have regretted not seeing them but did 14 year old me have any say? none. this is b/c in 2009, 3 of the members filed a lawsuit against their company and the 5 of them did not move together. I don't know how a band could have such an effect on me. The 3 happened to contain my bias so i naturally followed them more. but it was always 5. the 5 of them were best together. When the 3 came to singapore for a concert, i immediately jumped on the opportunity to see the best vocalists of dbsk.

If in the near future, they come back together as 5, i will cry happy hard tears. they were legends to say the least. i will never ever forget this part of my tween years because i was a fan for a good 3-4 years before they split and whenever i chance upon their music every now and then, the feels are too much for my cassie heart.

It would be their 14th anniversary as 5 tomorrow, 26/12.

I am now going to hide in a hole of my own pity party and listen to their music endlessly. Hello, 2000s kpop. OG fans, join me.

27. Work.

This gif could not be anymore accurate than what I am trying to convey in this post. Work. Looking back on all the posts from uni days and even ac days got me feeling nostalgic and emotional - yearning for the kind of freedom that comes with being a student. Honestly, if the most important thing to worry for is exams or the next proposal/presentation/essay to be submitted - that is a simple simple period of time in your life that one should never take for granted. I wish there was a way for me to relive my memories, in person, a la Harry Potter style... especially when the working 'adult' world gets too much to handle, it could be such a comfort to relive past memories that remain dear to me...

Of course it is not characteristic of every office-goer to feel like crap on Monday morning, insisting on that cuppa coffee. I am certain there are individuals passionate enough about the work that they do so much so it's a calling, less of a chore. I salute these individuals and I can only hope that in the time to come, in future, I am able to find that sort of balance for myself and find pride in the work that I do so that it doesn't become such a pain/chore to wake up every weekday, take the public transport and work from 9-5pm staring at screen.

Sometimes, more often than not, I second guess the reason I am here, whether there is any difference in the work I do on society and an entire existential crisis (DAN HOWELL VIBES) series of emotions fill my heart and my head is less rational than it should be. In a time of economic uncertainty, I end up feeling GUILT because if I have a job, what's there to complain, there's so many people who'd kill to be in my position versus being an unemployed blob. Then I just shut these feelings off and go about my day like.I know.what.I.am.doing. (I don't). 

Till when I can feel truly HAPPY in my work-shoes, then I guess I'll rely on coffee, tauhuey and memes to get through the day.

X

26. MY 2017 THUS FAR

Wow I suck at keeping this blog alive and I would probably blame it on the fact that I am now a ~full fledged working adult~ lol who am I kidding? I had about 5-8 drafts of posts sitting around throughout the year and I know blogger is practically dead. It's like the hard-copy of books versus kindle nowadays.

Nonetheless, something came above me this one fine night and I decided to take a look at my old old blog from ac days to uni days and I read through some of the 200 posts++ that I had and boy, did it take me down memory lane. It doesn't feel that far a time ago and it didn't feel as though that many things had transpired in those years but every year, something happened, every day, every week and every month, significant instances made me who I am today and during that time, it was an integral part of me to blog/write/type about it even though sometimes, no one would be reading.

I am glad I did it. Though I vowed to never take a look or be reminded at my ex, looking through some of the posts, even those containing him - those of events, of trips overseas, of friendships (forged so strongly at that point in my life and now just a memory) - really made me feel slightly bittersweet. I also enjoyed reading through some of the posts and my cringe worthy self then.

I figured I'd better start once again, to write, to type and to post even though I am probably the only one going to be looking back on these in a year or so to reminisce.

So here goes..... ...

How do I sum up the past 11.5 months of 2017 in a single post? Lol what a feat I've set for myself.

I probably say it every year but damn this year has passed in a blink of an eye. And I truly believe that it has passed even faster than previous years. Could it have something to do with growing older? Perhaps it could do with spending almost every weekday in a enclosed jail (the office lol) and at the same time having to deal with adult things like paying the bill, running errands for your family, keeping up with your social life (or what's left of it) and with growing up, the harsher realities of life actually set in. You're tasked with responsibilities you never wanted. You're suddenly thrown into this dark abyss of coming to terms with horrid things - dealing with actual death in life... and sucking it up because you're 2_ years old now and can't just simply fall back onto whatever it was protecting you when you were 8 years old. 

Another thing that I use as a bench mark as to how fast the year has passed is watching my nephew grow. He turned ONE YEAR old on the 8th of Nov, 2017. Call me a pessimist or skeptic but you know how they say that a woman never wants kids until a certain point in her life when she interacts with one and suddenly all motherly instincts are amplified?? - I get that, when I assume nanny duties I cannot get over his chubby cheeks and how he finds happiness in the SIMPLEST of things that we all take for granted for after a certain point. But then I feel sad or angry (?) because he's going to grow up and have this innocence taken away from him. He's going to grow up and feel all the shit I as a kid, tween, teen, young adult went through and continue to experience. Then I wonder if it's really all that to bring to the world a life. Then he smiles at me and my thought bubble bursts. That said, he's a year old and I have seen him from a 'useless' swaddled baby to one who could inflict pain on my fierce yorkie because he has learnt to WALK. And that is how I know this year has passed incredibly fast.

I travelled this year, to Taiwan with J, Hcmc, HK and upcoming Hanoi in December with my mom & Dad and yet it does not seem enough. It seems as though I am constantly chasing for holidays and breaks to get away from 'work'. That probably does not reflect very well on how I see work - if all I want to do is get away from it. J is also working, thankfully because the work employment climate is a bitch nowadays. He begs to differ but his workplace is x100 more rewarding than mine. That is for another post altogether. ;) 

Its almost midnight and this old fogie needs to get to bed lollll to wake up at 630am so that I can get out of the house and be the first few in line at the clinic. That is another sign of a mundane 'adult' life; to be the first at the doctor's clinic. 

Till the next one. 

x I PROMISE, to myself, to keep this regular. 

26. 5 Months Later....

Oh gosh, it has been a long while since I've last written on this platform. Though I am 100% certain no one is going to read this post, I decided I would come back and periodically update this space because I somehow chanced upon my older posts and older blogs and re-read a large portion of my life in words from 2014 to where I stopped, last year (2016). I smiled, frowned and laughed at some of the content and I realized how great it is to look back and see how the years have changed me as a person.

I guess when I am older, I will be able to look back at these posts and be thankful and reminisce on the type of feelings I had at a certain point in time...
--
Fast forward May 2017. A ton of things have changed, and maybe I'll get everyone (or just future me) up to speed.

- I gained weight, LOL I don't know why this is the first thing that came to my mind but yes, I am significantly larger than I was in 2014 and demoralizing as it is, I am trying to better myself, get fitter and more toned. Also to care less of the numbers on the scale. It is extremely hard for someone like me with ZERO, 0, discipline to stick to a routine so I often start and stop almost 1-2 weeks in. Praying that this time somethings sticks.

- I am no longer working at my previous workplace. I shan't elaborate on a public platform why but those who are interested; ya'll know social media has private DMs and such. I have been working for NUS since the beginning of March and it's been a whirlwind in the best and worst ways possible. Being a working 'adult' demands so much more energy and time than university ever did to me. My time out of work is so precious now and I finally get why TGIF is such a humongous movement. I am basically a sloth because 80% of the time, my work requires me to be in the office. If PE was what kept me fit in school, I don't have the luxury of that forced-physical activity thus, weight gain rapidly. I've been to more stats courses than I would ever imagine myself taking, if you asked uni-gwyn if she thought it was possible she'd laugh at you. Life works in weird ways. I have also come to the conclusion that no matter where you go, there is always one co-worker that pisses you off and there's nothing you can do to avoid them; just breathe. I could do an entire other post or essay on being a working adult ....

- J and I are still going strong and he's my pillar of strength and the one person who helps to keep me grounded and sane. I don't think I could deal with myself if I were a guy... I am forever and always thankful for all he has done for me.

- I am an aunty! My elder sister gave birth to a cute potato of a boy in November last year and he is just the centre of everyone's attention. He brings light and life into the eyes of my grandfather, my parents and even my dog's excited. Cookie was apprehensive at first but now she just wants to lick his face to the added dismay and confusion of the baby.

- My friends are still scattered all across the globe and it still gets lonely. What's new.

I guess for now, these will do. Here's a promise to myself, to keep this space updated.

X