30. Year: 2018

This as written on the 28th of April, 2018:
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I decided to post here, and not on any other platform because this page was me in my rawest form. I wrote for myself and nobody else. I wrote because I was hurt, angry or elated. I wrote because it was a way to unleash my negative feelings and even though they were only for my eyes (well, most of the time), it gave me a sense of peace afterwards.

Welp.

So here I am, its 3 years after my last post on this blog. It baffles me how fast time flies. I was reading through some of my old entries when I was in university and it just dawned on me how much time has passed. When I was in university, looking back at ac days seemed so far away. Now in 2018, everything from that period of time in my life seems even more like history and further away from my being. It seems like I am looking out from another person's point of view into my current life. If that makes any sense at all.

2018 - I am miserable.

I am still in a relationship, I am working. Yet, I am miserable. I am also halfway to being broke af (thats a slang word now, haha). I am overweight and am tired all of the time, not just physically but mentally as well. Its as though through experiencing how it is to 'adult', has weighed and weared me down. I don't want to face the reality that consists of my job's impermanence (I'll get to that), that people around me are growing older and that fucking sucks, that I have to pay my own bills and ultimately, I SUCK at organising my spending. Basically, I can't manage things.

I worry I won't have enough funds for my future - a house, maintaining a car, bills etc.. A WEDDING BANQUET even. I don't know how I am going to do it and that scares me. My job is contract based and not something I can deal with or do forever. At the very most I stay till the end of the project and that's till year 2020. However, I doubt I'd be renewing my contract in 2019. Further studies don't seem like a great idea especially in terms of finances and then I'd be jobless, and add that to the list of things that worry and make me miserable. I don't even like what I am doing, and if not for the reputability of the company and the benefits (which I do admit are pretty damned good) that come along with it, I am so unhappy at this place. I do not feel productive in the very least, I am not contributing to the ~greater good or society~ and that just places everything I've learnt at university down the drain because I'm not using it and I am not using my degree for what I set out to do - my naive brain at freshmen year thought a Psychology degree was a grand idea to help struggling souls but that could never be further away from the truth of what I am ACTUALLY doing. At one point in time this job was everything I wanted but now I realized that stemmed from the pressure of being jobless in a shitty current job market and that I needed money. I now realize the importance of education - yes, not everyone can make it to a ivy league university, not everyone does well in 'exam's and not everyone who goes to good universities succeed later in life. Except, people around me whom I know attended great schools ARE excelling in life and those who aren't? They went to shitty institutions. To be fair, I guess this is also a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I am also miserable because I am fucking lonely.

Lonely because I no longer keep in touch with acs friends. I no longer keep in touch with my best friend and I still refer him as that title because this weak bitch (me) isn't capable of letting things/the past/people go in general. I don't have great colleagues and overall, I am just lonely. I have a boyfriend, but I'm pretty sure it isn't psychologically healthy to depend on one person for all support. I am pretty sure it is damaging to just have one person in life to depend on (apart from family). I just want to have lunch with likeminded individuals. Or maybe someone I could fangirl korean bands/dramas with. Or someone who can do my manicure and pedicure sessions with me so I don't feel like I need to muster my best Chinese for the manicurist. .. I can't tell him my petty worries, my paranoid thoughts, and everything I have written here because it comes across as slightly psychotic, irritating and naggy(?). Who would want someone who's down most of the time and whose emotions change like. *that*.

I've bottled up so so so many feelings. I miss my best friend - old news, why repeat it? I think I'm broke - just save more, why worry. I hate my job - reiterating it isn't going to change things. The list goes on. Thus, I just keep them to myself. It is easier that way. Until it reaches a point, now, where I have to pen it down or I'd probably go insane.

I looked at some of my facebook posts today, albums from 2011. I miss that point of my life so much. I really think that having exams/studying etc - if that is one's greatest worry - that is so minute. I miss py so much, I miss the uncensored chats we had, the tears we shed together, the pain we've shared and all the crazy moments in between. It is so stupid, so stupid to miss someone who maybe doesn't even think of you anymore. It's so stupid. But I miss him, I miss her, I miss so many people who kept me grounded and kept me sane.

I am going to end this here. I am going to cry my eyes out if I continue typing.

Maybe another time, another day when thoughts are more coherent,.. I would type again. Write again.