I always thought something was wrong with me but recently I have come to believe in that statement. As far back as I can remember, I always had a issue with..most things...and I'm not sure when it started. Its becoming increasingly unbearable and something at the back of my head just knows that well, maybe, something is truly wrong and it needs to stop before it takes over everything.
ACS: As much as I told people how much it sucked, in hindsight, it was one of the best things to happen to me in my almost 24-years of existence. I was able to travel to Seoul - a place i'd otherwise never be able to, and to testify that, I haven't stepped in that country on my own ever since acs organised that trip. I was able to go Malaysia to build houses for the less fortunate. I was given a lot of freedom in that school. I could go to school with pride, just because of the name acs. I could walk across the road for ice cream and nice food when people in other schools had to eat basic canteen garbage. I didn't have a strict uniform code. I could talk to my teachers as if they were my friends. I attended random talks and programs which seemed useless then but now I realize were never offered to most schools in Singapore. Because of the curriculum, I was able to train my essay writing skills and presenting skills which went a long way when I went to university.
Not everything was good there. I fell out with a lot of 'friends'. I couldn't maintain friendships. The one and only friendship I can call genuine - py - when he left singapore, I felt abandoned. I mean this was someone who told me everything, he cried in front of me and vice versa. He kept me sane in a place that was full of fake and toxic people. Kpop = gay? He was there to tell me he loved it too. Chinese presentation/oral exam? He was there to help me through it and to ace it. Family problems? It felt as though our family issues mirrored each other and thats why we understood why each of us was so full of hatred and angst. It was amazing that two polar opposite individuals could find a friendship between themselves. When he left, of course I still had friends, but nothing was the same. I think thats when I started to shut myself out from the rest of my classmates and depended solely on my ex boyfriend which is a completely stupid thing to do. Py's friendship with me was the only one I didn't screw up in all my many years of school.
I can say that I never really got out of that mentality. The mentality that I was still in acs - better than most people. I never really got out of the mentality that py and i are best friends when in reality, 11 years later that isn't the case anymore. I refuse to move on from that part of my life. I refuse to let go of the fact that my father didn't let me to go a concert because the band broke up soon after. I refuse to let go the fact that I made stupid decisions - staying in Singapore to attend a shit university because of a boy, not going to a almost-all expense paid grad trip, not attending my final year prom because of a boy, not studying properly because of a boy. Writing this already makes me angry. I mean if there's anything I took from this is that - never do things on the account of other people. I should've done things for myself. I am always basing things on the validation of others. And I wrote such a long history because it relates to what is happening today.
I did think something great was going to come out of me going to acs.
The opposite happened because I didn't do well enough. I didn't do well enough and on top of that I decided to stay in Singapore to pursue my degree in a private uni... People who did worse than me were going to move to a whole other country and deep down while deciding where to go/what course to take, I knew that I shouldn't stay, I shouldn't stay in Singapore for a guy whose in the army and how would any of that help me? My head was telling me one thing but I decided to listen to my heart. I decided to stay in Singapore and I tried to convince myself that psychology in jcu was something I wanted to do and could gain something from.
If you had asked me after IB what I wanted to do - I don't think my answer would be 'I don't know'. I would've said I wanted to be a journalist. That was something I wanted to do. I wanted to write. I saw my results and I knew I couldn't apply for the sph scholarship/internship. I saw my results and I knew I couldn't go to a local university to apply for any course. A lot of things suck but the one that takes the cake is telling your parents who spent thousands, literally thousands on 6 years of your secondary education that you got 30-something in IB and you basically just wasted their money sending you to a private institution. Another one that takes the top tier in situations that suck is trying to lie to yourself and your family that you WANT to do psychology, you WANT to help people, you WANT to stay in Singapore.
JCU: When I got into jcu, I thought a new beginning awaits me. It might not be top tier, top college/university but the least I could do was to excel properly. Getting into honors was like an obsession, getting Distinctions was a goal I had for myself every term. The only motivation I had for that was because I wanted to prove people wrong. I wanted to prove that I could do it too i could get good grades, I could get into honours and not be a useless bum. I often daydreamed or lay in bed at night thinking, in a acs reunion years later, I'd be a psychologist (full fledged) with a PHD and I would have proven everyone wrong. It was a mantra or a very good motivation for me - revenge is the best success - and i think I did a good job at working towards that goal. I wasn't remotely interested in half of the modules but I was interested in getting the distinctions and high credits. I was more interested in proving my worth and that is why I wanted to excel.
3 years later, I only graduated with second class honours,lower. I mean, i was disappointed but as long as I had the word 'HONS' next to my name, it was fine. I did an internship at AWARE on my own volition. I secured a job faster than my peers and that made me feel as if I had things under control. Slowly things escalated - for the worst. I hated my first job. I didn't like it at all to keep it simply. I saw no bloody point. I studied psychology to help people but am I doing that? I realised how far away I was from any actual goal. I had to take masters and a phd before I could be anything close to the 'top' or near the finishing line in this field. Others with RA jobs didn't have to deal with stats and I really didn't need math haunting me again after all those years. My colleagues seemed to have everything planned out for them and I lied during the interview, I lied to them about my plans to further study and what type of professional i wanted to be.
I changed my job and I thought, okay, this should be better but was I wrong...I was so wrong. If you don't have the passion for something, there is literally no point in attempting to hang on to it. In my first job, I still bothered - I needed to make a good impression. I still tried, I tried to learn to figure things out. I wanted to produce good work. Fast forward to now, I honestly and very frankly can't give a fuck. I can't be fucking bothered about the work that I do. It all seems to be scratching the surface and no 'research' I do now is going to help the people that this research is supposed to benefit. This is how I am honestly seeing it - very pessimistic, very negative.
I don't know what made the switch in my brain think this way all of a sudden. Is it because my co-worker is getting better things to do than me? Is it because I don't have a proper office? It's a combination of everything and it has manifested itself into this. There are times I think to myself, I would give them my entire 1 month's worth of salary just so that I can quit without giving one month's notice. There are times that I think to myself, well fuck it, whether you do it or not doesn't matter and if you get fired so be it. I have done things I never thought myself capable. I have faked things. I have not turned up for work for WEEKS on end. This is just scratching the surface and I don't know how much longer I can take it before I implode.
I sleep at 3am everyday and probably suffer from insomnia. Not everything in the past 5 years have sucked but nowadays it seems so. I probably need help lol.
All this probably stems from everything that's happening in my life. I feel that I can't be happy anymore, I can't even understand the word 'content'. I don't play with my dog as often or talk to people apart from my boyfriend. IThere are days I feel things would be so much better if none of this exists. I have lost any form of concentration in not just work but daily life. It doesn't help that my parents' expect so much from me. It doesn't help that my sister is holding a full time job with a steady proper income. It doesn't help that people around me are seeing the world, living their dream life/job and I can't. It doesn't help that so many of my peers are doing better than me in every aspect and I'm not. It doesn't help that I am scrimping on money when it never used to be something I stressed about. Why did my mom have to retire? Why'd I have to gain 14kg and in turn, probably affected my self-worth and self-esteem a lot. Why can't I just elope with my boyfriend and leave everything behind - because we can't. I can't. There are probably a thousand more contributing factors to why I've landed myself in this position but the thing is I am already here. I am already helpless.
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