19. Saudade

Mama you were called home today (yesterday) to be with the Lord. I refuse to accept it but as I saw your body at the hospital, to the mortuary and to the casket.. I knew that reality would soon kick in. You were always there at every step of my growing up years. Whether it was kindergarten, sunday school, mgs, acs, and even when I started uni. It was pleasant and comforting whenever kong kong fetched me and you were there in the passenger seat. From macdonalds to tapao-ing my favourite chilli noodles, to my requests for instant noodles after school for tea and for my hair to be tied in braids, you gave in to me.... I loved staying over in your room for afternoon naps and even at you and kong kong's stays at Amara hotels and various chalets.

There's so many things that have gone through my head today and whatever I can make up from a slew of incoherent thoughts is how selfless and unconditional your love is with kong kong. I am so so so incredibly lucky to have been your grandchild, and with the rest have grown up so well because of you and kong kong's taking care of us for so many years. You took care of me for almost two decades and I couldn't be more thankful.

I relish in the thought that you're now rid of all pain, suffering and sorrow. I love you so much.

Psalm 23:6
Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

18. Remembrance

I'm currently going through a rough time and what better way to blog about it, seeing as nothing else I do seems to help. Recently, I got the news that my beloved mama is in critical condition...and I'd leave the technicalities out but things haven't been looking good for a couple of days.

When I was a kid, she and my kong kong would look after me when my parents were away. They were just like my own parents, showering me with unconditional love. They were the epitome of love. They brought me to McDs, chalets, hawker centres, taught me how to swim, appreciate chilli in all my food, tutored me in every subject, fetched me to and fro for school/tuition.... the list goes on. Not everyone has the privilege of growing up with grandparents or the privilege of growing up alongside loving grandparents like me..

So when the news hit, I was nothing but devastated and shocked. These few days I've realized the different depths and types of grief. I've felt sad before, over a breakup, over doing badly in an important exam... in being a 'disappointment', in failing to achieve certain goals I've set for myself, in losing friends, in an argument... but I had never felt grief to this extent before. I had just lost my paternal grandfather in December and suddenly this all too familiar yet distant feeling of grief came back.

I was not ready. Then again, who is ever ready for such things. 

The past few days I've watched as family members, friends, pastors all came to see my mama. We prayed with her, and she knows. She knows when we're there, talking to her, singing to her and our mere presence is known. The doctor says that one's hearing is the last to go... and I hope to God she knows that we love her so so dearly. We cried, lay tirelessly by her bedside... and I felt numb all of a sudden. I could not read, listen to music, surf the internet, I just sat there and felt numb.

In this same few days I've witnessed the meaning of unconditional true love. My kong kong, even in the past (for hospital visits, at the nursing home etc) would visit her every. single. day. He'd stay the longest. He read to her, sang to her, talked to her, held her hand, caressed her... and I know anyone would long for such a love, even half of the kind of love my kong kong and mama had..

It pains me to see my mama like this, it pains me to see my mom, kong kong and sister in this state of numbing sadness and grief. I don't count myself as a religious person but dear God I really pray for strength... for all of us.. strength both physically, mentally and the willpower that you will grant onto us.

I'd end with my favourite bible quote that always made me feel better in times of need, ever since I was a kid I'd scribble this down in my dairy...