33. Numb

I always thought something was wrong with me but recently I have come to believe in that statement. As far back as I can remember, I always had a issue with..most things...and I'm not sure when it started. Its becoming increasingly unbearable and something at the back of my head just knows that well, maybe, something is truly wrong and it needs to stop before it takes over everything.

ACS: As much as I told people how much it sucked, in hindsight, it was one of the best things to happen to me in my almost 24-years of existence. I was able to travel to Seoul - a place i'd otherwise never be able to, and to testify that, I haven't stepped in that country on my own ever since acs organised that trip. I was able to go Malaysia to build houses for the less fortunate. I was given a lot of freedom in that school. I could go to school with pride, just because of the name acs. I could walk across the road for ice cream and nice food when people in other schools had to eat basic canteen garbage. I didn't have a strict uniform code. I could talk to my teachers as if they were my friends. I attended random talks and programs which seemed useless then but now I realize were never offered to most schools in Singapore. Because of the curriculum, I was able to train my essay writing skills and presenting skills which went a long way when I went to university.

Not everything was good there. I fell out with a lot of 'friends'. I couldn't maintain friendships. The one and only friendship I can call genuine - py - when he left singapore, I felt abandoned. I mean this was someone who told me everything, he cried in front of me and vice versa. He kept me sane in a place that was full of fake and toxic people. Kpop = gay? He was there to tell me he loved it too. Chinese presentation/oral exam? He was there to help me through it and to ace it. Family problems? It felt as though our family issues mirrored each other and thats why we understood why each of us was so full of hatred and angst. It was amazing that two polar opposite individuals could find a friendship between themselves. When he left, of course I still had friends, but nothing was the same. I think thats when I started to shut myself out from the rest of my classmates and depended solely on my ex boyfriend which is a completely stupid thing to do. Py's friendship with me was the only one I didn't screw up in all my many years of school.

I can say that I never really got out of that mentality. The mentality that I was still in acs - better than most people. I never really got out of the mentality that py and i are best friends when in reality, 11 years later that isn't the case anymore. I refuse to move on from that part of my life. I refuse to let go of the fact that my father didn't let me to go a concert because the band broke up soon after. I refuse to let go the fact that I made stupid decisions - staying in Singapore to attend a shit university because of a boy, not going to a almost-all expense paid grad trip, not attending my final year prom because of a boy, not studying properly because of a boy. Writing this already makes me angry. I mean if there's anything I took from this is that - never do things on the account of other people. I should've done things for myself. I am always basing things on the validation of others. And I wrote such a long history because it relates to what is happening today.

I did think something great was going to come out of me going to acs.
The opposite happened because I didn't do well enough. I didn't do well enough and on top of that I decided to stay in Singapore to pursue my degree in a private uni... People who did worse than me were going to move to a whole other country and deep down while deciding where to go/what course to take, I knew that I shouldn't stay, I shouldn't stay in Singapore for a guy whose in the army and how would any of that help me? My head was telling me one thing but I decided to listen to my heart. I decided to stay in Singapore and I tried to convince myself that psychology in jcu was something I wanted to do and could gain something from.

If you had asked me after IB what I wanted to do - I don't think my answer would be 'I don't know'. I would've said I wanted to be a journalist. That was something I wanted to do. I wanted to write. I saw my results and I knew I couldn't apply for the sph scholarship/internship. I saw my results and I knew I couldn't go to a local university to apply for any course. A lot of things suck but the one that takes the cake is telling your parents who spent thousands, literally thousands on 6 years of your secondary education that you got 30-something in IB and you basically just wasted their money sending you to a private institution. Another one that takes the top tier in situations that suck is trying to lie to yourself and your family that you WANT to do psychology, you WANT to help people, you WANT to stay in Singapore.

JCU: When I got into jcu, I thought a new beginning awaits me. It might not be top tier, top college/university but the least I could do was to excel properly. Getting into honors was like an obsession, getting Distinctions was a goal I had for myself every term. The only motivation I had for that was because I wanted to prove people wrong. I wanted to prove that I could do it too i could get good grades, I could get into honours and not be a useless bum. I often daydreamed or lay in bed at night thinking, in a acs reunion years later, I'd be a psychologist (full fledged) with a PHD and I would have proven everyone wrong. It was a mantra or a very good motivation for me - revenge is the best success - and i think I did a good job at working towards that goal. I wasn't remotely interested in half of the modules but I was interested in getting the distinctions and high credits. I was more interested in proving my worth and that is why I wanted to excel.

3 years later, I only graduated with second class honours,lower. I mean, i was disappointed but as long as I had the word 'HONS' next to my name, it was fine. I did an internship at AWARE on my own volition. I secured a job faster than my peers and that made me feel as if I had things under control. Slowly things escalated - for the worst. I hated my first job. I didn't like it at all to keep it simply. I saw no bloody point. I studied psychology to help people but am I doing that? I realised how far away I was from any actual goal. I had to take masters and a phd before I could be anything close to the 'top' or near the finishing line in this field. Others with RA jobs didn't have to deal with stats and I really didn't need math haunting me again after all those years. My colleagues seemed to have everything planned out for them and I lied during the interview, I lied to them about my plans to further study and what type of professional i wanted to be.

I changed my job and I thought, okay, this should be better but was I wrong...I was so wrong. If you don't have the passion for something, there is literally no point in attempting to hang on to it. In my first job, I still bothered - I needed to make a good impression. I still tried, I tried to learn to figure things out. I wanted to produce good work. Fast forward to now, I honestly and very frankly can't give a fuck. I can't be fucking bothered about the work that I do. It all seems to be scratching the surface and no 'research' I do now is going to help the people that this research is supposed to benefit. This is how I am honestly seeing it - very pessimistic, very negative.

I don't know what made the switch in my brain think this way all of a sudden. Is it because my co-worker is getting better things to do than me? Is it because I don't have a proper office? It's a combination of everything and it has manifested itself into this. There are times I think to myself, I would give them my entire 1 month's worth of salary just so that I can quit without giving one month's notice. There are times that I think to myself, well fuck it, whether you do it or not doesn't matter and if you get fired so be it. I have done things I never thought myself capable. I have faked things. I have not turned up for work for WEEKS on end. This is just scratching the surface and I don't know how much longer I can take it before I implode.

I sleep at 3am everyday and probably suffer from insomnia. Not everything in the past 5 years have sucked but nowadays it seems so. I probably need help lol.

All this probably stems from everything that's happening in my life. I feel that I can't be happy anymore, I can't even understand the word 'content'. I don't play with my dog as often or talk to people apart from my boyfriend. IThere are days I feel things would be so much better if none of this exists. I have lost any form of concentration in not just work but daily life. It doesn't help that my parents' expect so much from me. It doesn't help that my sister is holding a full time job with a steady proper income. It doesn't help that people around me are seeing the world, living their dream life/job and I can't. It doesn't help that so many of my peers are doing better than me in every aspect and I'm not. It doesn't help that I am scrimping on money when it never used to be something I stressed about. Why did my mom have to retire? Why'd I have to gain 14kg and in turn, probably affected my self-worth and self-esteem a lot. Why can't I just elope with my boyfriend and leave everything behind - because we can't. I can't. There are probably a thousand more contributing factors to why I've landed myself in this position but the thing is I am already here. I am already helpless.

32. 희망

Aren't these just so pretty? 

When Hobi's sister, Jiwoo (@mejiwoo103) posted on her Instagram about these Jhope inspired bracelets, I knew I had to get my hands on them! However, it seemed that no one had ordered them into Singapore and the website didn't have any information on overseas shipping. If I ordered through a group-order it would've cost me about $23 per piece and I wasn't able to afford that knowing it was a LOT less on the website.

I chanced upon koreanbuddy and the lovely people over there basically act as the middle person to receive the items before sending it to you since most items from Korean websites can't be shipped over to Singapore that easily. Everything was so smooth-sailing from the time I submitted a enquiry to the time the parcel landed in Singapore!! I received it within a week (including weekends) and that is a feat, especially since I am used to slow and delayed overseas shipping. 

Do check them out if you would like to order anything from Korea that would otherwise be a pain to obtain. I'm already thinking of getting the new BTS Puma Basket kicks amongst other things...

<3

31. A Cassie and an ARMY

This was written on the 25th of August 2018:

--

I'll just leave these photos here 

OT5 always

I purposely chose this pic because it portrays them as normal people

--

I'm not sure how I got to this point, today, to decide to write a post about 2 very different groups; 12 different individuals. But here goes..

I can vaguely remember how I fell into the kpop abyss. I was watching youtube, presumably on my mom's old, thick and heavy white Macbook in my old home in the living room sofa. I was either 10 or 11 years old. I chanced upon dbsk's Hug music video and the rest is history. I invested a lot of my mom's money in them, their merchandise, cd, almost everything they released unofficially and officially. I made a lot of friends on Livejournal that shared the same love for dbsk as I did. We sent each other Christmas and birthday cards and it didn't matter that we lived in different continents. Back then, kpop wasn't as widely known as it is now. Kpop was 'gay', it was weird and people didn't understand why I would like a group of 5 feminine looking guys. It was a good 4-5 years of being part of this fandom until their split, it was devastating for 15 year old me.... I thought they had unbreakable bonds and chemistry. I thought their company had treated them right, and I was proven so wrong. Their company's skeletons slowly came out and though I tried to support the 2 groups  (dbsk as 2 and jyj) separately, it was proven to be so hard. I never saw dbsk as 5 live and that still hits me with regret to this day. 

Even though dbsk split in 2009, I still went to jyj's live concert in Singapore. I went to as many concerts as long as the artiste came to Singapore. FT Island, 2NE1, the Korean Music Wave... I mean, its no doubt kpop was a big part of my life till 2011/2012. It was there for me as a sense of relief during the most stressful formative years of my teenage life. It allowed me to sieve out the fake friends from real in school, because if your friends don't want to hang around with you because of your taste in music, can they really be called 'friends'? It was a source of comfort. I always thought dbsk would be reunited eventually and to this day I still hold on to that small ounce of faith that it can happen. 

I stopped following kpop after 2011/2012 because dbsk's split really did it for me. There wasn't a point anymore and it was too much to bear for my 15 year old self to contain. I figured I was just growing out of this phase and them splitting was kind of God's intervention for me to focus on other more important things in life. At that time, it was the final 2 years of my junior college years (before university), important decisions had to be made and it was probably one of the most important exams I would've taken at the end of 2012. Even then, when my school organised a trip to Seoul in 2011, I jumped on that opportunity like bees to a pollen. My parents never allowed me to travel to Seoul on my own and they never expressed interest in going there. Even though my ultimate kpop group had split up, going to Seoul was a dream come true and it was so much more than just kpop and pretty faces. Till this day, I have not gone back but it holds a very special place in my heart. 

Fast forward to mid 2017. BTS was blowing up. I was seeing all these articles about them going to attend the Billboard Music Awards and suddenly this genre of music that was shunned upon, given weird looks, is suddenly...mainstream!? Its normal?? People aren't 'bullied' or made fun of for listening to kpop anymore?? I mean wow, what a time to be alive lol. I had not followed kpop for the whole of my university life (2013-2016) but I still listened to OG kpop groups as and when I felt nostalgic. In 3 years I'm sure tons of groups would've debuted and tried to make a mark in their world...and it had to be BTS that caught my attention? 

Spring Day was the first song I listened to of BTS. I was immediately enthralled. I wouldn't want to go into specifics but BTS and dbsk are SO different, I was surprised I even liked bts' style of music with the rap and all. My bias in dbsk was Junsu and he has the vocals of an actual angel. My bias in BTS is Yoongi and he's a RAPPER. Nonetheless, they were like nothing I had come across before and I was truly intrigued. Fast forward today and I'm sulking just as I was 10-12 years ago because 'when is bts ever going to come to Singapore for a concert?!' - to be fair, they have for 1 concert and 1 music event, I just wasn't aware of their existence at that point in time. I see parts of me now, as a 23 year old, mirroring my 12-year old self and it is hilarious. 

I love bts because of their rags to riches story, the fact that they came from nowhere, and that they were from a small company but they're taking over the world now. I guess this also stems from the fact that after dbsk's split, I refused to support anything that came out of sm entertainment although it isnt the artists' fault, they're just tainted for me. I love that they broke the notion that the whole kpop industry is manufactured and fake. The fact that they write their own songs and produce is an amazing feat for the industry. Also to produce songs that talk about things that many people would NOT want to come out and talk about is something the kpop industry needs to get on (e.g. the government, crazy fans, mental illness etc).

I have also come to realise that Yoongi is probably my bias now because i identify with him - his struggles with anxiety, depression and his music really speaks to me, especially the me at this point in my life. I read somewhere that a fan said she wished she knew about bts in 2013 when they first debuted and another fan replied that 'you found bts when you needed them the most' and that is the truth. 2018 hasn't been an easy year for me and I find a lot of comfort in bts. Mostly, it's their lyrics that i feel they took the mess in my heart/head and put it in fathomable words... 

I know well enough from the dbsk saga that some groups don't stay together forever. I only wish that bts be together as long as it is possible for them to (i.e. the legendary Shinhwa, 20 years...and counting). I know that just as I look back at my Cassie days with bittersweet memory, I will also look back at my ARMY days in maybe 10 years time, without any regrets. 

X

30. Year: 2018

This as written on the 28th of April, 2018:
--
I decided to post here, and not on any other platform because this page was me in my rawest form. I wrote for myself and nobody else. I wrote because I was hurt, angry or elated. I wrote because it was a way to unleash my negative feelings and even though they were only for my eyes (well, most of the time), it gave me a sense of peace afterwards.

Welp.

So here I am, its 3 years after my last post on this blog. It baffles me how fast time flies. I was reading through some of my old entries when I was in university and it just dawned on me how much time has passed. When I was in university, looking back at ac days seemed so far away. Now in 2018, everything from that period of time in my life seems even more like history and further away from my being. It seems like I am looking out from another person's point of view into my current life. If that makes any sense at all.

2018 - I am miserable.

I am still in a relationship, I am working. Yet, I am miserable. I am also halfway to being broke af (thats a slang word now, haha). I am overweight and am tired all of the time, not just physically but mentally as well. Its as though through experiencing how it is to 'adult', has weighed and weared me down. I don't want to face the reality that consists of my job's impermanence (I'll get to that), that people around me are growing older and that fucking sucks, that I have to pay my own bills and ultimately, I SUCK at organising my spending. Basically, I can't manage things.

I worry I won't have enough funds for my future - a house, maintaining a car, bills etc.. A WEDDING BANQUET even. I don't know how I am going to do it and that scares me. My job is contract based and not something I can deal with or do forever. At the very most I stay till the end of the project and that's till year 2020. However, I doubt I'd be renewing my contract in 2019. Further studies don't seem like a great idea especially in terms of finances and then I'd be jobless, and add that to the list of things that worry and make me miserable. I don't even like what I am doing, and if not for the reputability of the company and the benefits (which I do admit are pretty damned good) that come along with it, I am so unhappy at this place. I do not feel productive in the very least, I am not contributing to the ~greater good or society~ and that just places everything I've learnt at university down the drain because I'm not using it and I am not using my degree for what I set out to do - my naive brain at freshmen year thought a Psychology degree was a grand idea to help struggling souls but that could never be further away from the truth of what I am ACTUALLY doing. At one point in time this job was everything I wanted but now I realized that stemmed from the pressure of being jobless in a shitty current job market and that I needed money. I now realize the importance of education - yes, not everyone can make it to a ivy league university, not everyone does well in 'exam's and not everyone who goes to good universities succeed later in life. Except, people around me whom I know attended great schools ARE excelling in life and those who aren't? They went to shitty institutions. To be fair, I guess this is also a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I am also miserable because I am fucking lonely.

Lonely because I no longer keep in touch with acs friends. I no longer keep in touch with my best friend and I still refer him as that title because this weak bitch (me) isn't capable of letting things/the past/people go in general. I don't have great colleagues and overall, I am just lonely. I have a boyfriend, but I'm pretty sure it isn't psychologically healthy to depend on one person for all support. I am pretty sure it is damaging to just have one person in life to depend on (apart from family). I just want to have lunch with likeminded individuals. Or maybe someone I could fangirl korean bands/dramas with. Or someone who can do my manicure and pedicure sessions with me so I don't feel like I need to muster my best Chinese for the manicurist. .. I can't tell him my petty worries, my paranoid thoughts, and everything I have written here because it comes across as slightly psychotic, irritating and naggy(?). Who would want someone who's down most of the time and whose emotions change like. *that*.

I've bottled up so so so many feelings. I miss my best friend - old news, why repeat it? I think I'm broke - just save more, why worry. I hate my job - reiterating it isn't going to change things. The list goes on. Thus, I just keep them to myself. It is easier that way. Until it reaches a point, now, where I have to pen it down or I'd probably go insane.

I looked at some of my facebook posts today, albums from 2011. I miss that point of my life so much. I really think that having exams/studying etc - if that is one's greatest worry - that is so minute. I miss py so much, I miss the uncensored chats we had, the tears we shed together, the pain we've shared and all the crazy moments in between. It is so stupid, so stupid to miss someone who maybe doesn't even think of you anymore. It's so stupid. But I miss him, I miss her, I miss so many people who kept me grounded and kept me sane.

I am going to end this here. I am going to cry my eyes out if I continue typing.

Maybe another time, another day when thoughts are more coherent,.. I would type again. Write again.

29. Christmas Spirit

Last 15 minutes of 25/12 and it just dawned on me that the year is ending in approximately a week.

The year has passed in the blink of an eye, its scary. Everyone's getting older, my parents, sister, my lovely yorkie baby Cookie is going to turn 6 soon, my boyfriend, my grandfather and the thought of time just passing by me scares the crap out of me.

I'm only 23. Only. And still, an existential crisis seems to be upon me already.

Work is a bore and I wonder how time passes so fast when work itself has been a total dread. I thought that moving to NUS would be better for me and my psych endeavours but all it has reaffirmed is what I knew in Nov 2016 when I was under NTU.... I don't really want to have anything to do with psychology and or research in general. It's tiring, unrewarding and I frankly don't have the passion for it. I've also been an awful employee I am not sure if I can last another year in NUS. The gr8 thing is the financial stability and that's about it. This is a dilemma for another time.

Have a Merry Christmas one and all.
Sorry this is an abrupt end to the sickeningly short post.
3 minutes to Boxing Day!

28. DBSK

I've not felt so nostalgic in such a long time.

Suddenly I found myself listening to jay chou, mayday and more significantly, dbsk. If you knew 2006 me onwards you'd know i was a huge kpop fan and specifically, in love with this band called dbsk which consisted of 5 members. it was a time when kpop was uncool, gay whathaveyou. they were one of the only things that kept me sane and believe it or not, happy. i was a fan for YEARS, collected their merch and even bought a ticket to see them live - i eventually did not b/c my dad was paranoid about going to bangkok during the protests and i to this day have regretted not seeing them but did 14 year old me have any say? none. this is b/c in 2009, 3 of the members filed a lawsuit against their company and the 5 of them did not move together. I don't know how a band could have such an effect on me. The 3 happened to contain my bias so i naturally followed them more. but it was always 5. the 5 of them were best together. When the 3 came to singapore for a concert, i immediately jumped on the opportunity to see the best vocalists of dbsk.

If in the near future, they come back together as 5, i will cry happy hard tears. they were legends to say the least. i will never ever forget this part of my tween years because i was a fan for a good 3-4 years before they split and whenever i chance upon their music every now and then, the feels are too much for my cassie heart.

It would be their 14th anniversary as 5 tomorrow, 26/12.

I am now going to hide in a hole of my own pity party and listen to their music endlessly. Hello, 2000s kpop. OG fans, join me.

27. Work.

This gif could not be anymore accurate than what I am trying to convey in this post. Work. Looking back on all the posts from uni days and even ac days got me feeling nostalgic and emotional - yearning for the kind of freedom that comes with being a student. Honestly, if the most important thing to worry for is exams or the next proposal/presentation/essay to be submitted - that is a simple simple period of time in your life that one should never take for granted. I wish there was a way for me to relive my memories, in person, a la Harry Potter style... especially when the working 'adult' world gets too much to handle, it could be such a comfort to relive past memories that remain dear to me...

Of course it is not characteristic of every office-goer to feel like crap on Monday morning, insisting on that cuppa coffee. I am certain there are individuals passionate enough about the work that they do so much so it's a calling, less of a chore. I salute these individuals and I can only hope that in the time to come, in future, I am able to find that sort of balance for myself and find pride in the work that I do so that it doesn't become such a pain/chore to wake up every weekday, take the public transport and work from 9-5pm staring at screen.

Sometimes, more often than not, I second guess the reason I am here, whether there is any difference in the work I do on society and an entire existential crisis (DAN HOWELL VIBES) series of emotions fill my heart and my head is less rational than it should be. In a time of economic uncertainty, I end up feeling GUILT because if I have a job, what's there to complain, there's so many people who'd kill to be in my position versus being an unemployed blob. Then I just shut these feelings off and go about my day like.I know.what.I.am.doing. (I don't). 

Till when I can feel truly HAPPY in my work-shoes, then I guess I'll rely on coffee, tauhuey and memes to get through the day.

X

26. MY 2017 THUS FAR

Wow I suck at keeping this blog alive and I would probably blame it on the fact that I am now a ~full fledged working adult~ lol who am I kidding? I had about 5-8 drafts of posts sitting around throughout the year and I know blogger is practically dead. It's like the hard-copy of books versus kindle nowadays.

Nonetheless, something came above me this one fine night and I decided to take a look at my old old blog from ac days to uni days and I read through some of the 200 posts++ that I had and boy, did it take me down memory lane. It doesn't feel that far a time ago and it didn't feel as though that many things had transpired in those years but every year, something happened, every day, every week and every month, significant instances made me who I am today and during that time, it was an integral part of me to blog/write/type about it even though sometimes, no one would be reading.

I am glad I did it. Though I vowed to never take a look or be reminded at my ex, looking through some of the posts, even those containing him - those of events, of trips overseas, of friendships (forged so strongly at that point in my life and now just a memory) - really made me feel slightly bittersweet. I also enjoyed reading through some of the posts and my cringe worthy self then.

I figured I'd better start once again, to write, to type and to post even though I am probably the only one going to be looking back on these in a year or so to reminisce.

So here goes..... ...

How do I sum up the past 11.5 months of 2017 in a single post? Lol what a feat I've set for myself.

I probably say it every year but damn this year has passed in a blink of an eye. And I truly believe that it has passed even faster than previous years. Could it have something to do with growing older? Perhaps it could do with spending almost every weekday in a enclosed jail (the office lol) and at the same time having to deal with adult things like paying the bill, running errands for your family, keeping up with your social life (or what's left of it) and with growing up, the harsher realities of life actually set in. You're tasked with responsibilities you never wanted. You're suddenly thrown into this dark abyss of coming to terms with horrid things - dealing with actual death in life... and sucking it up because you're 2_ years old now and can't just simply fall back onto whatever it was protecting you when you were 8 years old. 

Another thing that I use as a bench mark as to how fast the year has passed is watching my nephew grow. He turned ONE YEAR old on the 8th of Nov, 2017. Call me a pessimist or skeptic but you know how they say that a woman never wants kids until a certain point in her life when she interacts with one and suddenly all motherly instincts are amplified?? - I get that, when I assume nanny duties I cannot get over his chubby cheeks and how he finds happiness in the SIMPLEST of things that we all take for granted for after a certain point. But then I feel sad or angry (?) because he's going to grow up and have this innocence taken away from him. He's going to grow up and feel all the shit I as a kid, tween, teen, young adult went through and continue to experience. Then I wonder if it's really all that to bring to the world a life. Then he smiles at me and my thought bubble bursts. That said, he's a year old and I have seen him from a 'useless' swaddled baby to one who could inflict pain on my fierce yorkie because he has learnt to WALK. And that is how I know this year has passed incredibly fast.

I travelled this year, to Taiwan with J, Hcmc, HK and upcoming Hanoi in December with my mom & Dad and yet it does not seem enough. It seems as though I am constantly chasing for holidays and breaks to get away from 'work'. That probably does not reflect very well on how I see work - if all I want to do is get away from it. J is also working, thankfully because the work employment climate is a bitch nowadays. He begs to differ but his workplace is x100 more rewarding than mine. That is for another post altogether. ;) 

Its almost midnight and this old fogie needs to get to bed lollll to wake up at 630am so that I can get out of the house and be the first few in line at the clinic. That is another sign of a mundane 'adult' life; to be the first at the doctor's clinic. 

Till the next one. 

x I PROMISE, to myself, to keep this regular. 

26. 5 Months Later....

Oh gosh, it has been a long while since I've last written on this platform. Though I am 100% certain no one is going to read this post, I decided I would come back and periodically update this space because I somehow chanced upon my older posts and older blogs and re-read a large portion of my life in words from 2014 to where I stopped, last year (2016). I smiled, frowned and laughed at some of the content and I realized how great it is to look back and see how the years have changed me as a person.

I guess when I am older, I will be able to look back at these posts and be thankful and reminisce on the type of feelings I had at a certain point in time...
--
Fast forward May 2017. A ton of things have changed, and maybe I'll get everyone (or just future me) up to speed.

- I gained weight, LOL I don't know why this is the first thing that came to my mind but yes, I am significantly larger than I was in 2014 and demoralizing as it is, I am trying to better myself, get fitter and more toned. Also to care less of the numbers on the scale. It is extremely hard for someone like me with ZERO, 0, discipline to stick to a routine so I often start and stop almost 1-2 weeks in. Praying that this time somethings sticks.

- I am no longer working at my previous workplace. I shan't elaborate on a public platform why but those who are interested; ya'll know social media has private DMs and such. I have been working for NUS since the beginning of March and it's been a whirlwind in the best and worst ways possible. Being a working 'adult' demands so much more energy and time than university ever did to me. My time out of work is so precious now and I finally get why TGIF is such a humongous movement. I am basically a sloth because 80% of the time, my work requires me to be in the office. If PE was what kept me fit in school, I don't have the luxury of that forced-physical activity thus, weight gain rapidly. I've been to more stats courses than I would ever imagine myself taking, if you asked uni-gwyn if she thought it was possible she'd laugh at you. Life works in weird ways. I have also come to the conclusion that no matter where you go, there is always one co-worker that pisses you off and there's nothing you can do to avoid them; just breathe. I could do an entire other post or essay on being a working adult ....

- J and I are still going strong and he's my pillar of strength and the one person who helps to keep me grounded and sane. I don't think I could deal with myself if I were a guy... I am forever and always thankful for all he has done for me.

- I am an aunty! My elder sister gave birth to a cute potato of a boy in November last year and he is just the centre of everyone's attention. He brings light and life into the eyes of my grandfather, my parents and even my dog's excited. Cookie was apprehensive at first but now she just wants to lick his face to the added dismay and confusion of the baby.

- My friends are still scattered all across the globe and it still gets lonely. What's new.

I guess for now, these will do. Here's a promise to myself, to keep this space updated.

X

25. My 2016 IN 4 MINUTES

As 2016 draws to a close in approximately 4 minutes I attempt to wrap the year up in a few sentences of the words my mind scrambles to piece together.

It was a year of loss - loss of people close to my heart who I still think of every now and then. Some people worth the tears, some not but my mind still wanders to. It was a year of new experiences - writing up my thesis, waiting anxiously for my results, getting it, the anxiety of job-seeking, securing a job (and all the craziness that came along with that), graduating...

It was a year of growing older, wising up, maturing and knowing that truly, everything happens for a reason.

It was a year of chaos, the world had so much going on in 2016. I watched in awe; other times distraught at how the world could have so many crazy things going on at the same time.

2016 was a beautiful year nonetheless, and whatever I've learnt will put me in good stead for 2017.

Bring it on :)

x

24. Thoughts on the Nicole Choo Ridhwan & DK saga

I am so sick of seeing certain responses to Nicole Choo and Ridhwan's "stunt" that I'm reduced to writing about this for twitter's 150 characters will never be enough.

Sure, I agree that they could have executed it in a better way without bringing pregnancy into the picture but they've clarified and apologised. You know what I can't stand?

Just because they're on the unpopular end of the spectrum they're getting hated on for no apparent logical reason. If you think about it, Dk bullied them, he started tweeting about them first.

What warrants 4 videos and discussing about their relationship at length? Because it fuels the fire and creates attention. Everyone likes to hate on a common denominator: for example, Donald trump for voicing out stupid decisions like building a wall around the USA to keep immigrants out. That's a legit reason to hate on him.

What stupid and illegal thing did Ridhwan and Nicole do that warranted such cyber bullying? He left tjht? So? That was his own decision to make. When the news first came out tjht also put up a couple of instagram posts adding fuel to the fire but the only one who got bashed was Ridh for wanting to get attention. 

He slapped his ex gf but that's super old news. Surely if you were Ridh you wouldn't want to be judged based on one stupid decision you made at one point in your life to define you as a person forever. Then what is the point of the yellow ribbon project? Lets just shun all ex offenders for they will NEVER turn over a new leaf shall we? (sarcasm)

Dk can have his own opinion about this. We all do. Some I don't agree with too. But just cause Dk has the platform, the followers and the right friends he thinks it's alright to speak about Ridhwan this way? 

Don't get me wrong. I really like some of dks videos, some are funny as hell and relevant. I watch him. I don't hate him. But I sure don't agree with the way he's been putting ridh down. This reminds me of freelee when she made a video about Anna Saccone stating the reason she had a miscarriage was because of the food she was eating?! Bitch please no one should be putting anyone else down based on what you see online.

Ridh and Nicole only show us how much of their lives. No one but themselves know what they're struggling with.

Tjht made an instagram video about social experiments to mock Nicole and Ridh. It's so blatantly obvious who he's referring to. Tweens look up to this guy and he's sending the message that it's alright to indirectly bully someone online?

They're getting so much shit for nothing they've done. Everyone just wants to be on the bandwagon that they can benefit from.

I mean what led to Ridh being the biggest idiot in Singapore in one of the videos, even on TOP of Amos yee who got in deep shit with the government, offended Christians and tried to tell us that Lee Kuan Yew did nothing for this country?! Ridh left a company on his own accord and suddenly just cause he's dating Nicole it gets blown out of proportion? Sure That makes him the biggest idiot...

And all y'all saying Nicole looks like crap under make up come on you think everyone is born like Kylie Jenner? Half of the bloggers out there's natural face is complete with false lashes and embroidered eyebrows. Make up is a fun tool for us to play with to add confidence to ourselves and not something that girls should be bashing each other about just cause she looks too different I mean who buys make up to look exactly the same before they put it on?

I'm out. 

23. Final Year Thesis: Done and Dusted

Here's a lighter topic than the previous post =) I know I've been away from the blogosphere for the longest time ever - months. I've been busy with an internship and my final year thesis, which is finally and thankfully done with. 10k words later, I am now officially unemployed and a psychology graduate. I'm doing this post to get ya'll up to speed and also, I that free now.

I was interning for 2.5 months at AWARE (the women's organization that NS men dislike haha). The pay was um, well, lets just say it felt like free labour but it was a meaningful internship for I got to learn how a non profit organisation works in the inside. I also got to work on really interesting projects - single parenthood, women rights, rights for single parents in the HDB sphere... etc. It really shows you a side of Singapore you do not get to usually see (single parenthood is after all a really taboo subject, just as homosexuality is).

I ended my internship about half a month earlier because it was getting really stressful to juggle my thesis data collection, meeting up with my supervisor and actually writing the thesis. My supervisor, Patrick is God-sent. He was ever so helpful with anything I needed and would actually reply my cries for help at 9/10pm at night. I hit the jackpot with my supervisor this time! Thesis writing..is so so tiring. I have written so many essays, from as little as 1.5k to 4k words but nothing could have prepared me enough for this daunting task. Some days you look at your work and think, what in the world am have I been writing, this is ALL rubbish. Other days you feel quite good and confident but it is mostly tiring and exhausting. Sometimes you have the motivation to continue but you can't find anymore information that seems relevant. You just end up staring at your document and getting a headache from all the words swimming in your head.

Anywho after about 2.5 months of slugging my guts out, I was finally done. Getting them printed and binded felt numb and surreal. I wanted to be done with the university and its shitty admin staff and poor communications with students but at the same time I wanted to continue studying. HOW DO I ADULT. All a student has to worry about is homework, essays, tests and things like that. In comparison to insurance, bills, marriage and the list goes on. Do you know it takes 1 mill to raise a kid in Singapore? Like, I don't think i can even make a million in a lifetime what more by the time I am ready to have a child?

The weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders and now a different kind of weight has landed on them. I gotta start job searching........stat.

x

22. My first car accident: Reflections

I guess there's a first for everything in life? I got into my first car accident recently and boy was it an experience. I was hit from the back while my car was stationary (will not go into the little details), and the Singapore law states that once that happens, the vehicle from the back is at fault. The impact was huge, and the car's Neck Pro (installed in the head rests) activated immediately. It was so shocking and I was shaking even after many hours passed.

For anyone's sake, here are some ''tips'' for if you ever get into a car accident..

# Do not admit to any fault (even if it may seem like it is yours). I read a post before on DOs and DONTs and the definite DONT is to say 'I'm sorry'

# Exchange identification cards, numbers and insurance agencies.

# Take as many pictures as you can of your vehicle and the other party's in terms of damage inflicted.

# Do not agree to settle the payment 'on your own' or at another workshop. Always leave it to your insurance agent to contact the other party's agent.

# Drive (if your car is still in a state to) to the nearest police station to make a report.

# Call the TP (Traffic police) or Ambulance if the car is not in any drivable state and if anyone is injured. Also your relevant cars' 24 hour hotline for roadside assist.

# See a doctor. You may seem fine but you never know what's going on inside your body (My boyfriend - in the passenger seat and I were diagnosed with mild head contusions and he had a sprained shoulder with dizzy spells and nausea)

# Be thankful. You're okay!!! Your life is more important than the car's aesthetics. Thank God or your lucky stars if you're not religious.

Take it as an experience and learn from it.

Drive carefully everyone!

21. Whampoa Market - Xin Heng Feng Guo Tiao Tan (Fishhead Steamboat) review

(photo courtesy of fatboo.com)

why hello, Keegan 

I'm back with another short review on, fishhead steamboat, again. This time at Whampoa Market, a lot nearer to me than Tampines! This hawker is bustling in the day time and eerily quiet at night if it weren't for this stall. Be sure to come early (5pm) because the waiting time does get quiet lengthy as the night goes by. We were there around 715pm and got our steamboat at 740pm. You order at the stall and an uncle will come by with a trolley tray with side dishes. They have duck wings, salted veg, taupok and braised eggs :) Humble homely food.

We ordered promfret, medium size, taupok and salted vegetable (not pictured) and the bill came up to $46-47. There were four of us so that would amount to $12 per person which is really reasonable for the amount of food there was! Also promfret is the most expensive fish option! The soup is filled with yam, seaweed, vegetables, fish and the thing I found that allowed it to stand out from the rest is...... garlic or shallot bits? or I'm not entirely sure.. but it made the soup extra tangy and flavourful. You have to try it to believe it. You can also top up the soup!!

Comparing this to the one at Tampines, my heart calls out for this one. Not only is it nearer to me, the soup brings me back to my grandmother's cooking :') It really is worth the trip down if you live further away and the wait on crowded hours.

Toodless

Xin Heng Feng Guo Tiao Tan
Mon: 17:00 - 21:30
Wed - Sun: 17:00 - 21:30
Closed on: Tuesday

#01-14/15,
Whampoa Market,
91 Whampoa Drive,
320091

20. Yves Rocher - Haul!!

So recently I've been introduced to this brand by my mom's friend and when we went down today, there was a sale! 1 for 1 storewide, but only till the 8th of March. I suggest ya'll hurry down to grab their goodies from Yves Rocher - all made in france, made from plant extracts and all things good you'd imagine. Some of the items are selling out quickly too! In this short post I'll just share with you some of the things I got with my mom ;-)

*enlarge pictures by clicking on them for specific names*

Their vegetal range for oily & combination skin. I do like to switch my skincare routine every now and then plus the fact that my faceshop range has been discontinued has motivated me to try this out! The facial wash (blue gel) is from the moisturising-hydra vegetal range so that it won't be too harsh on my skin if I use all of the vegetal range. 

L-R: Serum $20, Face wash $14, Toner/Micellar water $18, Gel Cream $24

ETD for the man or woman in your life -

L-R: Nature Cedar Wood & Lime (subtle), $38

Nature Guaic Wood & Juniper (stronger scent), $38 ($19 each after 1 for 1)

Female: Cherry Blossom $30, Green tea $30 ($15 each after 1 for 1)

Lip balms - Macadamia & Karite (no color or scent). They have others with tints and scents too! 

$5 each ($2.50 each after 1 for 1)

Been watching lots of youtubers lately and realized I am lacking in the eye-serum department.. my current one is for dark circles but I figured 22 would probably the time when anti-aging eye-care would come in handy.. This is under their signature elixir 7.9 range (7 plants, 9 anti-aging patents) and is retailing for $42. My mom bought one as well for her age range and that cost $55. Thus, each eye serum would be $27.5 after the 1 for 1 promotion. Which is pretty reasonable if you ask me! 

Not pictured is their olive oil body soap which was already running off the shelves! They were $6 each after the promotion. The 1 for 1 is till the 8th of March only (Tuesday) so hurry down if you want to grab these deals. They also have shampoo and body/foot scrubs which I didn't purchase. 

Yves Rocher

Ngee Ann City

#B2-03

P/S I'll definitely do a review of the above products once I have tested them out for a period of time. Happy shopping!!!! 

19. Saudade

Mama you were called home today (yesterday) to be with the Lord. I refuse to accept it but as I saw your body at the hospital, to the mortuary and to the casket.. I knew that reality would soon kick in. You were always there at every step of my growing up years. Whether it was kindergarten, sunday school, mgs, acs, and even when I started uni. It was pleasant and comforting whenever kong kong fetched me and you were there in the passenger seat. From macdonalds to tapao-ing my favourite chilli noodles, to my requests for instant noodles after school for tea and for my hair to be tied in braids, you gave in to me.... I loved staying over in your room for afternoon naps and even at you and kong kong's stays at Amara hotels and various chalets.

There's so many things that have gone through my head today and whatever I can make up from a slew of incoherent thoughts is how selfless and unconditional your love is with kong kong. I am so so so incredibly lucky to have been your grandchild, and with the rest have grown up so well because of you and kong kong's taking care of us for so many years. You took care of me for almost two decades and I couldn't be more thankful.

I relish in the thought that you're now rid of all pain, suffering and sorrow. I love you so much.

Psalm 23:6
Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

18. Remembrance

I'm currently going through a rough time and what better way to blog about it, seeing as nothing else I do seems to help. Recently, I got the news that my beloved mama is in critical condition...and I'd leave the technicalities out but things haven't been looking good for a couple of days.

When I was a kid, she and my kong kong would look after me when my parents were away. They were just like my own parents, showering me with unconditional love. They were the epitome of love. They brought me to McDs, chalets, hawker centres, taught me how to swim, appreciate chilli in all my food, tutored me in every subject, fetched me to and fro for school/tuition.... the list goes on. Not everyone has the privilege of growing up with grandparents or the privilege of growing up alongside loving grandparents like me..

So when the news hit, I was nothing but devastated and shocked. These few days I've realized the different depths and types of grief. I've felt sad before, over a breakup, over doing badly in an important exam... in being a 'disappointment', in failing to achieve certain goals I've set for myself, in losing friends, in an argument... but I had never felt grief to this extent before. I had just lost my paternal grandfather in December and suddenly this all too familiar yet distant feeling of grief came back.

I was not ready. Then again, who is ever ready for such things. 

The past few days I've watched as family members, friends, pastors all came to see my mama. We prayed with her, and she knows. She knows when we're there, talking to her, singing to her and our mere presence is known. The doctor says that one's hearing is the last to go... and I hope to God she knows that we love her so so dearly. We cried, lay tirelessly by her bedside... and I felt numb all of a sudden. I could not read, listen to music, surf the internet, I just sat there and felt numb.

In this same few days I've witnessed the meaning of unconditional true love. My kong kong, even in the past (for hospital visits, at the nursing home etc) would visit her every. single. day. He'd stay the longest. He read to her, sang to her, talked to her, held her hand, caressed her... and I know anyone would long for such a love, even half of the kind of love my kong kong and mama had..

It pains me to see my mama like this, it pains me to see my mom, kong kong and sister in this state of numbing sadness and grief. I don't count myself as a religious person but dear God I really pray for strength... for all of us.. strength both physically, mentally and the willpower that you will grant onto us.

I'd end with my favourite bible quote that always made me feel better in times of need, ever since I was a kid I'd scribble this down in my dairy...

17. Hai Chang Fish Steamboat Review

Back with a short little update - a review:) 

                 

Just one picture for this post cause we were all too hungry!

My dad recently introduced this place to me and my mum, today we brought along my sis and BIL. It's located at Tampines Simei area (I'll include the address below) and is worth the drive or journey down even if you live at the other end of the island like us! 

We ordered the red snapper in medium portion and the highly raved sambal kangkong (my Favourite zhechar veg) and sweet and sour pork. It was delish! Sweet and sour pork is usually disappointing for me because the skin is too starchy and it starts flaking off once you bite into the meat.. But this was so good. Crunchy on the outside and juicy on the inside. The kangkong was fresh and did not have an overpowering amount of sambal. 

The charcoal is painstakingly put in by hand in each steamboat and I believe it's quite hard to find authentic stalls around Singapore that do it well. 

Hai Chang Fish head steamboat is closed in the day time (the food centre also boasts famous kolo Mee, Nasi lemak & tiong bahru fishball in the day time) and comes alive at night. Definitely a place to check out:) Especially with the Chinese New Year festivities coming up, it'd be a great place for friends and family alike.  

The three dishes set us back $38 which is pretty affordable for 5 Pax. Be sure to try their marmite chicken and braised beancurd as well. Their braised pork is supposedly a love-hate dish, some love it and others do not see the rave, I'll definitely be back to try more!  

Hai Chang Fishhead Steamboat 

Address: 

Blk 137, Tampines St 11, Tampines Round Market, Singapore 521137 

Opening hours: 5-9pm 

Closed on Mondays

16. A Bad Start

A picture paints a thousand words.... 

15. Goodbye

Yesterday, on New Year's Eve, I found out that my grandpa passed away. He was a man of few words, but his presence was always felt. He was a man of God, always saying goodbye to us with quotes from the bible. My dad would speak highly of him and always made sure we spent time together despite everyone's busy schedules. 

This picture was taken on the 13 of December, in celebration of my 21st birthday. Amoy street. Where ACS first started. He was always talking about ACS, like the institution changed his life for better. He was the guest of Honour for founders day on many occasions - never losing the opportunity to visit ACS. He would sing the anthem for us, "From days of yore"...."Oldham dauntless hero came and planted a beacon of truth and light".... And I guess that rubbed off on me too for I love and cherish the time I had in ACS when it was my turn. 

But this is not about me. This is about my grandpa. I'm lucky to have four grandparents by my side as I grew up. And even luckier that they all played (and continue to play) important roles in looking after me and  my Sister, as well as their other grandchildren. I shan't ramble on. 

Grandpa, on the 31st of December I attended the last class/lecture I would in university. It was a milestone for me, before commencing thesis writing. But on this same day, you went back to God. It is with a heavy heart that I usher in the new year. I love you and treasure all the meals we have had, the time spent together and I know you're in a better place now. 

As it is said... 

The best is yet to be.